The secret to good sex

Sex and the pressure to perform

Good Sex

good sex Long gone are the days when the man expected to take the lead in all matters sexual. Good sex is a partnership with equal expectations of pleasure. We live in the 21st century now, equality and liberation are the norm. Relationships are between 'partners.' Equality is the expectation, with equal pleasure demanded. Yet, there is one thing always expected of a man. The one thing that will never change is this. No man can fake an erection. Good sex will never happen if you are soft when she wants you hard. The pressure to provide it is on you. Get your head in the right place first. What you do with your hands or your body is never as important as the stuff going on in your head.
 
There was a question posted on an internet answer forum a while back. This question- "During sex, who has more pressure to perform, the guy or the girl?"
 
The answers rambled on for pages, with every manner of sexist remark included. Yet, there is one inescapable fact. A man cannot fake an erection.
 

Does size matter? Is that the secret to good sex?

I dare you to ask a girl, does size matter? A recent study at the University Of New Mexico* says it does not. Size only matter if the girl only wants a sex based relationship. The preference seems to be for girth over length. Move into the realms of a long term emotional coupling and you really are in different territory. Then it is all about how you make her feel emotionally. “Am I secure?”
 
I dare you to ask a girl, does experience matter? No is the typical answer. Are you honest, will you treat me with respect, and can I trust you? These tend to be more important answers.

What has this got to do with good sex?

Good SexWhy are you telling me about ‘emotional’ stuff when I want to know about good sex, the techniques, what do I need to do?

I specialise in one area of the whole emotional sexual spectrum. Recognise that good sex, and great sex never start with the physical. Sex is an emotion driven thing. Women have said it for years, the most important erogenous zone on the female body is, indeed, the brain. ‘and for a man. I say it is the same. I help men get the stuff in their head in the right place. A head full of doubt, fear, anxiety, or worse and you will never get the result you want. It is impossible to be in a highly anxious state and aroused at the same time. Erection failures happen; is erection failure normal? On occasions yes; if the erection problem is consistently happening, see a doctor. It may only be about your expectations and fears, but get the physical stuff checked first.

Does erection failure matter?

Ask a girl if an erection failure matters and we both know the answer. It Matters. She will blame herself. Even if it is a single encounter, a one-night stand. Inside, a little piece of her will blame herself. Girls are taught this lesson by society from a young age. The more beautiful or sexy I look, the more valuable I am. If I can't arouse you, then I must be ugly and worthless. Which of course misses the point. Male arousal happens inside his head. What he sees with his eyes, and touches with his hands are never, ever more important than the thoughts he is thinking. Even if you do manage to convince her the fault is yours, where does that actually leave you?
 
Being anxious about pleasing a new partner as a sign of caring, of wishing to please, as well it should be. Being anxious, stressed, or panicked about maintaining an erection is something else. Not being able to keep it up is a big deal.

Is it physical?

Ask a girl if an erection failure matters and we both know the answer. It Matters. She will blame herself. Even if it is a single encounter, a one-night stand. Inside, a little piece of her will blame herself. Girls are taught this lesson by society from a young age. The more beautiful or sexy I look, the more valuable I am. Even if you do manage to convince her the fault is yours, where does that actually leave you?
 
Being anxious about pleasing a new partner as a sign of caring, of wishing to please, as well it should be. Being anxious, stressed, or panicked about maintaining an erection is something else. Not being able to keep it up is a big deal.

How does a sex anxiety start?

good sex 2There is a vast choice of answers to this question, but I know there is only one thing that is common to all. It is not based on extensive research, personal experience, or scientific fact. It comes from my years of working with men who have this problem. It comes down to one word. Expectation.
 
Every man expected himself to be perform better and every man expected the girl wanted him to be better too. Everyone expected good sex, and expected it to be better than the sex they got. Better size, better technique, better orgasm, better foreplay, better in every way. It is this. The perceived pressure to perform, the pressure to be ‘better’ which kills the ability to perform.

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Is it all just a fantasy?

The New Male Sexuality is a book written by Bernie Zilbergeld, who talks about the “fantasy model of sex” - a fantasy we all learn without even realizing it. Although, most people have a strong curiosity about sexual matters which starts at a young age, most of our sexual learning does not come from formal courses or books. And, even if we’ve been lucky enough to get some kind of sexuality education, we’ve had years of learning through TV, film, on-line media, books and cultural humour.
 
We compare ourselves to what we’ve learned, and almost everyone feels that they’ve come out on the short end. No matter what kind of equipment you have, no matter what partner, no matter what you do, no matter what the results. None of it equals what you heard and read about. Good sex is always somewhere else with someone else.” Bernie Zilbergeld. You never consider yourself good enough or capable enough.
 
*http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0133079
 

Good sex is a three ring circus, not a one trick pony.