How to start getting over your sex problem.
Sex is such a small word, which means such a lot; it is a big deal. Sex is an emotional thing. Sex is not just penetration; there is more to it than that. Sex is playfulness, it is teasing, and it is enhancing a desire. It is attraction, and the capture of attention, exploration, discovery, and wonder. It The anticipation of joy, born from a sense of security and trust; good sex comes from loving and caring. For a man the worse kind of sex problem is an erection failure.
Sex is more than just penetration – that is the physical act; call it intercourse or a fuck if you like. If you see penetration as the end game, then you do not have sex. What you have is a fuck, and that in itself is no bad thing. Not all intercourse needs wrapping up in an emotional connection.
Nearly all of my clients find the emotional element of sex the main problem. I cast no doubts on their emotional intelligence, far from it. Most are well education, emotionally balanced men, who care. It is this caring which is part of the problem and it is very common…The greater the emotional connection, the greater the erection difficulties.
When it means something, when this is the girl you have loved, laughed, shared personal time with, then it really means something if the ‘old problem’ comes back again. There is a relationship in place. It is personal. It is not some quick fuck to laugh off along with the hangover.
Condoms and a Sex Problem
The next most common thing I hear about in my therapy room is the ‘condom moment’. Other than, for water fights at a stag party, a condom can only mean one thing. We both know they are not designed for use on a flaccid penis. The worry becomes ever greater, the closer to penetration, and the larger the doubts. Moving closer and closer to the point of no return, to the moment when only one thing expected. Penetration.
This is the truth; no man can fake an erection. For almost everyone, foreplay is fun, and foreplay presents few erection difficulties. That is not the sex problem. It is the moments leading to penetration, when things go wrong, and the doubt and worry compound in to failure.
The body mechanism for an erection is simple and straightforward. If you want to know about the detail, ask Google. A failure in the physical mechanism requires a doctor – it is a serious matter. Impotence can signal an underlying health problem. Make an appointment with your doctor if it becomes a consistent problem. Even if you think, it is just stress.
For an erection to happen you need only few things in place. First is an emotional response, stimulation, an arousal, a something you consider pleasing. Secondly is a state of relaxation. Your body cannot be in a state of ‘fight or flight’ stress and be erect at the same time. Your ancient fight or flight response is one thing, and your instinct to continue the species is another. Physiologically they will never occur at the same time.
So, what is the one important thing you can do to start getting over the sex problem.
It very simple really, the one thing to do is to take the focus off of you, make the whole thing about her (or him) and not about you.
What does that mean!!!
I will explain…
What is it you are saying to yourself as things start to happen, as the clothes come off and the foreplay starts? What is it you are expecting? Umpteen times I have guys tell me the voice in their head is foretelling doom, disaster and floppiness. The one thing I tell you to do is to take the focus off of you. I know that is a lot easier said than done, but let me explain.
If, from the moment things start to be intimate with your partner you think of nothing but you and “the sex problem”, what do you think is going to happen?
You are going to get what you think about…. It’s like that old joke about the sexual Olympics, the best performing men get the silver medal, they come second. Go into it with a new mindset, be focused on her (or his) needs without any expectation of penetration and you may well be surprised what happens when the pressure is off.
Keep it fun
The next thing is to keep it real and make sex fun. Do not try to be James Bond, a super hero, or an Alpha Man freak. Be you and be funny. Not funny weird, but funny laughter funny. There is no rule against making each other laugh naked.
Laughter does something very useful for you. Laughter helps release endorphins, those natural opiates often triggered by exercise. You start to feel good; laughter also dials down the Cortisol levels in your body. Cortisol is your prime stress hormone, and feelings of stress are not what you need as the clothes come off.
Be honest with your partner and be in a partnership against a common enemy. Please stop trying to hide it, trying to deny it. Talk about it and be honest. “Sometimes I have a sex problem” is a lot easier to say than you think it is. She will appreciate your honesty.
Do not underestimate the power of taking a micro moment pause and a deep breath.
What are you saying?
Now, it is time to take a good listen to the crap you are saying to yourself. Remember one of those times when it really was a problem… pay attention to it and discover what the voice in your head is saying about you. If you drew a cartoon picture of the moment, what would you put in the speech bubble?
Are those words acceptable to you? No, I am not asking if they are an accurate description of what you think about yourself, I am asking if they are acceptable to you? Will you allow those words to define who you are for evermore? Would you ever allow another person to say those things to you? Well, stop saying them to yourself.
I like a good mantra, a nice short summary of what is, what you are, framed in a positive way. It must be in the present tense, because we all know tomorrow is always a day away and is not now.
The best is simply this “Good and Hard”. As crazy new age as this sounds, get these three simple words into your mind and keep them there. Say them in your brain in a strong confident voice, repeatedly. Add in your imagination; add in a plausible, possible sexual situation that you are likely to be part of. Use your imagination to see it, feel it, smell it and over the top of it all, speak it, “Good and Hard” …and take it to a happy ending. Practice the outcome you want in your mind first and you will then get the outcome you want when your whole body is involved.