What happens in a sex therapy session?
The question is a bit scary isn’t it? If you are now thinking ‘WTF happens in a sex therapy session’ and you have the realisation “Oh my God, I do need help”? You are not the only one. Erection problems happen to a lot of guys, and in some circumstances erection failure is ‘normal’.
Why do you need sex therapy for what is ‘the most natural thing in the world?’ For some men, it is not natural and it is not easy and the thought of it is plain scary. Despite how accomplished, and confident they are in other areas of life, there is a little sex secret no one knows about.
You are not alone.
It is not only you. Not that you will find any Facebook group dedicated to erectile dysfunction sufferers. It is a lot more common than you think. Have you any idea how many men in the UK suffer with erection problems? * Do you think you are the only one? You are not and you don’t know it; it is one of those things you don’t talk about. Imagine two guys in the pub talking about erection problems…nope, never going to happen, is it? Girls do it all the time. They talk about you and they talk about their own sex lives. They talk about orgasms, they talk about it all. Erection failure Is it ever ‘normal’?
*The actual answer, for guys under 40 is about 10%. The figures, as published by the NHS are not very accurate because, well, who talks about it? Not everyone seeks help for it either, which is crazy.
You cannot be in a state of sexual arousal and anxiety and fear at the same time. Your body does not work in that way. For some guys erectile dysfunction is a symptom of something serious. A medical condition, the type of serious that is trying to kill you; always see a doctor first.
So, what happens sex therapy session?
By the time we see each other face to face, we already know a good amount about each other. In our initial phone conversation, my job is to get a handle on the structure of your problem. It is not the same for everyone, there cannot be a prescriptive approach that fit all. For some guys the well-entrenched pattern of erectile failure started as an occasional inability to maintain erection. Which become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your anxiety about it actually becomes a large part of the cause. Everyone’s first sexual experiences are terrible; some guys never get passed this. Even decades later. Guys bring huge guilt to me along with the anxiety, and other bring unrealistic expectations. Porn addition is a common side dish. You can read about the erectile dysfunction experiences of others here.
I will tell you if it is something I can fix for you. I will always be honest with you and I expect the same in return.
Face to face in my therapy room we start with a conversation. At first, I will explore a little more about the structure of it all. We talk, I understand. You can say anything to me, my confidentiality policy is strong. You can say anything to me, and use any type of language you like. Be you, be yourself. Drop any pretense or bravado, and allow me to help. Many times, guys become very emotional. I am the first person they have ever openly spoken to about ‘it.’
As we go along I dip into my tool bag as appropriate. I have several good therapy techniques that are quick and effective that I will use as we go. If you want to use a metaphor of this being a war, these are the opening salvos. Sometimes, this is all it requires, the structure comes tumbling down. Most likely we will get to hypnosis of some type, because it is a powerful tool.
Hypnosis – Really? For sex therapy!
Oh yes. I am always open minded to new tool and techniques, and when a ‘new thing’ can prove itself, I will take it and put to good use. Hypnosis, when done well, is a very powerful tool with a lasting effect. Hypnosis is an alternative state of mind most people can access. Can you be hypnotised? Relaxation, or focused imagination are a few ways into hypnosis. They are not hypnosis of themselves. ‘and there are other ways into it, my job is to use the best route for you. Not everyone is comfortable with “close your eyes and let me lead you.” They want to be completely involved and in control. That’s cool, I can do that. I get to do all the work; my job is to create a therapeutic process that fits the unique person sitting in front of me.
A big important thing we will agree up front is this. What is your success? Once we get a handle of the structure of the problem, we must get a good idea on what success is for you. In detail. Wishy washy, maybe, ‘I hope so’ is not what this is about. This is about you believing and committing to something. Something that is reasonable and plausible for you, on your terms. Not my idea of what you are capable of, your idea of what you are capable of. Also, and when?
Do Not Ignore the problem
It is too important to leave it, to ignore it. It will not to go away on its own. When your doctor tells you, the problem is all in your head, Start a conversation with me.
At first it may not be easy to talk to a stranger, but I promise you this. I have heard it before, any embarrassment you may feel in talking to me is nowhere near as bad as you think it is going to be. Everything we speak about is confidential.
This is how I do a sex therapy session.
So, you have found this guy on-line who says that, best of three he can fix your problem for you. You think you can trust him, but you are not certain. What you want to know is, what is he going to do, how does he do what he says he can do.
Well that guy is me, and I am about to tell you in detail what it is I will do for you.
The short answer is, I treat you. I treat the specific and unique you sitting in my chair in front of me. I do not and I cannot treat a sex anxiety problem as a divorced entity. That is not the way any decent type of sex therapy can work. If it is part of you, then it needs treating as part of you.
The first thing I do is expand upon anything I need to know more about. Stuff about the structure of the problem that is relevant. Then I set to work. I have this tool bag of techniques, developed over the years. It’s stuff that works, nothing fluffy, no energy waves, no relaxing breathing exercises, or whale music. Real practical working stuff. If the technique does not work with most people, most of the time, I have no time for it.
In the therapy room there are three distinct therapeutic approaches a sex therapist can take.
1) Symptom-centric Therapy. This is where a therapist focuses only on the symptom and nothing else. This is the easiest style of working a hypnotherapy school can teach. So the majority of therapists take this approach. It is prescriptive. ‘My patient has X so I must do Y’ – it is as complicated as a monkey reading a script, and about as effective too.
2) Device-centric Therapy. This is all about the technique. Some therapists love hypno-analysis, others only do age regression, or ‘the feeling bridge’. So, come what may, whatever the patient presents to them, they will use this, their favourite technique. This is what they know, they have had some success with it in the past and it is all they learned to do. The problem has to fit the tool, which is very different to selecting the best tool for the job.
I have a bag of proven techniques, and it is rare when I can not make something change in some way.
3) Patient-centric Therapy – I treat the person, that is you, the person sitting in the comfy chair; not the problem as a divorced entity. I take a case history and create your therapy approach based on your experience and the information about you. Which is all unique.
Both symptom-centric and device-centric therapy fail to take deliberate advantage of the nature and qualities of the patient as a unique individual. It is like deciding to make a soufflé without noticing that your ingredients are ground beef, kidney beans and red chillies.
When you make an appointment with me, you will see a therapist who works with the patient as a unique individual. I saw my first client in 2007, and I have learned from every single person I have helped. I also learn from those who I have failed with. If you want a treatment that is worth having, it will take a few hours. You will need a therapist who has experience measured in years.
What does this type of sex therapy cost? There is a big difference between the price of something and the value of it.
That’s it, in a nutshell. I bring over a decade of experience into the room, and I hate to fail – It does happen in a few cases, I am but human. I am also honest and I do not charge for my failure.